Sunday, December 4, 2011

Welcome to "Who Does Carl Train?"

On this blog, we are on the search to find out who Carl Valle trains. Is he really a trainer or just an internet tough guy using fifty cent words who hates himself so much he has to rip on every coach (except his Lord and Savior, Vern) that makes more money than he does at his real job, in IT. (Although he denies the last statement- From Carl in "Guru Hunting"- I have nothing against marketing and profits as many think I have jealousy to those that make good money online or through products.")

Let's find out together.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Influences and Coaching Trees

Carl wrote a post called "Influences and Coaching Trees" where he asked "Who Influences You?" and told us that he is "just a guy that listens to many and picks and chooses information and methods I feel are effective. No bias, just information I find works for me." (That's a line of bullshit if I ever heard one.)

He continues:
"My coaching tree comes from swimming and track, but strength coaches have made a big impact on me as well. Some sport coaches have influenced me. My grandfather has influenced me. Thin coaching trees scare me, as it's ok to have branches and not be a solitary flower from one coach. After mapping out my influences I felt that I was fair and balanced, and look forward to growing more internationally this summer. "

The best part is, the picture he showed is a fucking musical influence tree!

Is he kidding? Is this guy for real? I mean, seriously, you put up a music tree?

I took the liberty to put up Carl's real Coaching Tree:

The foundation of his works starts with the Almighty Vern and Oscar the Grouch (who might very well be the same person) and goes up the tree to Debbie Downer (more of Carl's Excel days influence) and into Eeyore which has been more of his modern influence.

Party Crasher

Is Carl a party crasher? Did he sneak into the PB Summit in Providence to watch Tom Myers?

We are investigating this right now.

He only attended Sunday, that's weird for someone who always complains about money and doesn't work on Saturdays. Why only 1 day?

Does the 200 foot rule not apply on Sundays so he was able to come?

Carl, I know you read this. Please provide proof that you paid. Can you?

Why Is It Carl?

Why is it that your main job is as a technology specialist for Weston Public Schools?

Why is it that you are an assistant coach at UMass Lowell? Why not head coach? Did you turn down that position?

Why is it that you are not working in any capacity as a strength coach but continue to talk about strength and conditioning coaches like it's your business? You don't even fucking train anyone!!

Why is it that none of your bios talk about any certifications in strength and conditioning?

Why is it that you don't have a coaching job in the school district you work for as a technology asshole? Do they know about your "passion" for young athletes?

Why is it that we have to PM you to get access to your mediacast? It should be public- all of us kool-aid drinking, guru followers want to learn from you.

Why is it that the one place we know you worked as a personal trainer closed because they had NO business? Did they not advertise that you were working there?

Why is it that you don't work out? How can you talk to us about training when you don't even work out yourself?

Why is it that you are "one of the foremost experts in the fields of nutrition and restoration" but besides your complaining, whining, crying blogposts, I don't see anything out there from you? (Except your secret Mediacasts)

Why Carl, Why?

Why is it that you are such an asshole?

Multiple Carlgasms

OH Boy, Our Old Buddy is at it again!! Carl must be back on his meds, he is posting like a madman!

It a coincidence that school is just about done for "technology specialist" Carl and all of the sudden he is posting multiple times a day?

Lock up the kids, Carl is back!

First order of business here is to take off Nick T from the "Coaches Carl Hates" list, it seems they have made up and Carl loves his stuff now.

I also added Tom Myers to the list of "Coaches Carl Hates", since Carl snuck into the PB Summit and watched his presentation.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Carl Is Gonna Be Pissed!

Things have been going really bad for Carl lately.
Boyle came out with Functional Strength Coach 3.0 and it was an overwhelming success. Boyle made more money in those 2 weeks than Carl makes all year. Seriously. This made Carl soooooo mad!
He has been obsessed with ripping on Boyle in almost every one of his blog posts since then.

The Bitter Old Man has also gotten in on the action and I'm sure Carl and Vern have been Pow-Wowing late nights on Skype plotting their demise of Boyle.
Now even worse news: New books from Boyle and Coach Dos! (see pics above)

Carl will be devastated. He will have a hard time fixing computers all day with his mind on the profits of his two most hated rivals.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Carl has a "Mailbag"

When I stop laughing, I will post something.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Be Ready

From Carl's post "Ponz-Lee Performance" (I gotta hand it to this asshole, he puts time into his titles)- "Is back? YES. Be ready."

This is so amazing. I can't wait until Carl helps coaches "take back the truth" (I swear he said that, I can't make this shit up) because "we are making an impact one person at a time."

He has now impacted at least 7 people, although 6 are from the Weston Public School system when he set up their computer network at the schools.

Be ready.

Friday, April 24, 2009

He Can't Help Himself

Carl posted again today.
The last time he posted was April 15, today is April 24. He hasn't posted for 9 days and he comes back with "Caught in Limbo."
From Carl: " Instead of being negative I will share some of my experiences with the "limbo catch" commonly found at the youtube channel with Coach Dos."

We are soooooo lucky, Carl came back to talk to us about his experience with the limbo catch! What an asshole this guy is. It boggles my mind that Mike Young lets him continue with this same old bullshit.

Where was he? Was he busy training? Is it the I.T. busy season?
Did he spend 9 days waiting for Dos to post something so he could post again?

Carl is very obsessed with Boyle but Dos is giving Boyle a run for his money.

He is almost as obsessed with them as I am with him.

I can't help myself either.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Great American...

from Carl's latest post, "El Diablo and Angel Cabrera" (does anyone have better blog post titles?):

"Right now it's not easy to be an American with the war, the economy, and the drug scandals with sport but when great coaches are brushed aside by Russian propaganda I will take action and will continue to dump the kool-aid in Boston Harbor like the Sons of Liberty."

We salute you Carl and thank Allah that you are here to look out for our best interests. In honor of Carl, let's all send in a packet of Kool-Aid with our taxes.

This guy gets better and better, I wonder if he really believes the shit he writes.

Carl Does It Again

It didn't take long for Carl to get back on "track" with his bullshit. He just can't help himself!

He has managed to drive away what would have been an amazing contributor to the EliteTrack forums, James "The Thinker" Smith.

Here is The Thinker's latest post:

"Elite Track Members"

The combative, sarcastic, and insulting remarks of more than one member of Elite Track as well Carl Valle, are a childish and immature reminder of all that is unfortunate regarding the democratic nature of internet forums.

Why it is that individuals choose to punctuate what might other wise be intelligent points with cheap shots and combative language, I'm not sure.

At any rate, as a coach who has limited free time I'm certainly uninterested in spending some of it here at Elite Track where, ironically, it is the senior members and staff who demonstrate a strikingly immature on-line persona.

Mike, I appreciate you offering me this opportunity to present my thoughts via a web log; however, I think I will walk away from this opportunity as quickly as I was offered it.

I'd like to publicly announce the respect I have for Mike Young and his contributions to the business and voice my concern regarding how absurd it is that an individual such as Mike should have to waste his time babysitting an internet forum whose own staff members such as Carl Valle seem to be compelled to antagonize others who share dissimilar views on sport training.

Short of a paradigm shift taking place here, this web log will likely be the last of my participation here on the Elite Track website.

James Smith

We are with you James. Not sure why Mike Young continues to allow Carl to destroy his otherwise great site.

Prediction- Carl will no longer be on EliteTrack by the end of the week.

Maybe Boyle will let Carl back...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Open Letter To Mike Young from ELITETRACK

Dear Mike,
In reference to Carl Valle, What The Fuck Is Wrong With YOU?!!!

Why would you have this asshole writing for your site? You seem like an intelligent guy. Did someone throw a shot put on your head?

Have a great day.

Carl Valle is At It Again

Carl is back and better than ever. I guess his IT schedule has slowed down and he can go back to negative posting about strength coaches.

In commenting about another trainer's article, Carl wrote:
"While I have not read his article, it is likely to be prone exercises like bridges or the typical swiss or medball slaps kneeling or standing."

Let me play that back again for you:
"While I have not read his article..."

He is commenting on an article he has not read! You have to love this prick.

If he walked into Yankee Stadium, the fans would start chanting "Asshole, Asshole"

He goes on to mention Gray Cook:
"Just like the chops and lifts from Cook proven to only be good for chopping and lifting low loads, core strength is not developed through these means."

Gray never says it is for development of core strength you fucking moron, read his shit before you comment.

He held out for a few months but he is back with his bullshit. Bring it on Carl, I'm watching you, fucker.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Carl Entertains Himself with Grandiose Phrases

From Carl's latest blog:
"Since my blog titles annoys my biggest fan I will continue to post more grandiose phrases to entertain myself."

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Carl's latest Grandiose Phrase from his latest blog title:

"Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate"

This guy is awesome and I'm his "biggest fan."

Hey Everybody! Carl's Baaaaaaaaaack!

You heard right, Carl's back!

According to our poll, most of you thought he might be holed up on a romantic getaway with Vern. Although no one voted for Carl being in a A Blog Anger Management Facility, it seems like he might have been because he has been so cheery and loving in his last few posts. He even gave some props to that no-good-site-banning Boyle.

Anyway, here are the results to our question-

Carl Hasn't Posted Since Dec. 29th. Where is he?

Dos killed him and buried him with Jimmy Hoffa in Giants Stadium- 16%

Tied up in the back of Cosgroves trunk- 33%

Holed up with Vern on a romantic weekend- 50%

A Blog Anger Management Facility- 0%

Friday, January 16, 2009

Where the Heck is Carl?

Carl has not written a blog post since Dec. 29!!! What's going on? Do you know where he is? Did he go on vacation? Is he in hiding?

Take the poll up on the right and tell us where you think Carl is.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Results Are In! Who Does Carl Hate the Most?

We only had 11 voters this time and it was pretty close. Boyle and Cressey got 3 votes each, but Carl took it with 5 votes. So most people think Carl hates himself more than the coaches he rips on in almost every blog post. Very surprised that Dos did not receive any votes.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Terms of Service

These are the "Terms of Service" I agreed to when I signed up at, the home of Carl's blog:

"All messages posted at this site express the views of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the owners and administrators of this site. By registering at this site you agree not to post any messages that are obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening, or that violate any laws. We will permanently ban all users who do so. We reserve the right to remove, edit, or move any messages for any reason."

Let's re-read part of it:
By registering at this site you agree not to post any messages that are obscene, vulgar, slanderous, hateful, threatening, or that violate any laws. We will permanently ban all users who do so.

From Websters:
14th century
1 : full of hate: see Carl's blog

I wonder if they will "ban" Carl?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Favorite Blog Titles from Carl

In no particular order:

-The Metrics of the Mojito Missle
-Dartfish, Kinovea, Parametrix, and the clarity of mathematics
-The Secrets of Sun Dagger
-The Trunk, Gyroscopic action, more spinal engine
-Gran Simulacro
-Murder at Golgotha
-Shaping, Piecing, and more on Self-Organization

-Dangerous Deforming Dorsiflexion Directions

Is it obvious that this guy is a track/strength&conditioning expert or what?

Seriously, what the fuck is he talking about?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Boyle Must Be an Idiot

Coach Boyle Loves the Sled
Carl says:
"Don't be fooled by gurus that think that loading up a sled and pushing it is going to be the most effective way of using the tool as their own youtube clips prove they don't understand speed."

Activation is an important part of Coach Boyle's training sessions
Carl says:
"I suggest those that are busy activating muscles look to your own programs and see if you are deactivating your own body."

Coach Boyle Loves the Single Leg Deadlift

Carl says:
"SLD are perhaps the most overrated exercises that continue to annoy me as kinetics and kinematics are clear."

Coach Boyle Uses the Functional Movement Screen with All of his clients.

Carl says:
"The functional movement screen teaches screens and not practical anatomy, observation skills, and critical thinking."

Coach Boyle uses the Joint by Joint Approach to Training (he even has a DVD about it)

Carl says:
"Mike and Gray were smoking marijuana with Keiser made hookahs when they talked about joint mobility and stability."